Sploosh
by HyperCaz
Summary: Atlantis gets a visitor in the form of a strangely familiar sea monster. Set season 1. Complete!
1. Weather Channel

AN: Set season 1 after "The Eye". Vaguely inspired by the 1998 short film _Sploosh_.

* * *

Chapter 1 – Weather Channel

* * *

A gush of air escaped Elizabeth Weir's lips and her shoulders dropped comfortably. She pushed her hands together firmly, raising her arms above her head, drawing in more breath as she went. Slowly, she allowed her arms to drift limply to her side, another relieved breath parting her lips. She titled her head forward, directing her gaze to her knees. Beyond her crossed legs and bare feet lay the blue camping mat she was sitting on.

Two sharp knocks bounced off the door. Elizabeth didn't glance up immediately. She eased herself to her feet by leaning on her desk, breathing deeply. She looked towards the open door, seeing her guest. She invited calmly, "Come in, Teyla."

"I'm sorry, Doctor Weir. I did not mean to intrude on your meditation."

Elizabeth blinked, then laughed. She threw a look towards the mat, explaining flippantly, "Oh, this is just yoga. People on Earth use it for relaxation – well, I guess it's meant to be a form of meditation."

Teyla smiled and entered the office. "I have need of relaxation myself. And a quiet moment to organise my thoughts. It is important for someone in your position, especially after stressful events."

"Believe me, Teyla, there are more stressful events than being held up at gun point."

The Athosian raised an eyebrow, considering this for a moment. Her eyebrow dropped and she agreed, "Yes, there are other moments that require more thought."

Elizabeth wondered how much Atlantis knew of what transpired during Kolya's siege of the city. Her resolve had been tested and certainly being held up at gunpoint was more than enough to be preoccupied with. Although, her thoughts kept returning to her head scientist and his uncharacteristic bravery during the storm.

That was definitely food for thought, but somehow she wasn't so surprised.

"Would you join me?" Elizabeth suggested. "I have a spare mat."

Teyla nodded once and began unlacing her shoes. She took the proffered mat and laid it out with careful fingers. She noted as she eased down onto the mat, "There is rarely a quiet time to reflect."

Elizabeth sighed. "Or when there is, something happens!"

"Yet I find myself waiting for something to happen," Teyla remarked.

"And even welcoming it when something does happen," Elizabeth admitted.

Right at that moment, the lights in her office blinked out. A quick glance into the adjoining rooms confirmed that it wasn't just a local problem. She exchanged a rueful look with Teyla and half-swatted her radio as she palmed it from her desk.

"What's going on, Rodney?" she asked after tapping the radio.

"The water has shorted some circuits in this section of the city," Rodney's voice reported in her ear. "There must be some sort of safety switch which probably caused the power

to go off."

"Is it serious?"

"Zelenka and Ford got in the way of some of the current. They're going to the infirmary."

"Can you get it fixed?"

"Shouldn't take too long. It's just a matter of cutting power to this section so the safety switch isn't triggered."

"Alright. When you've done that, I'd like to see you in my office."

Elizabeth cut the link. She shook her head and looked to Teyla. "I'm sorry, we'll have to finish this another time."

"The wait is over," the Athosian observed, effortlessly rising to her feet.

* * *

"Hold still," Carson Beckett instructed his patient. "This may sting a wee bit."

Aiden Ford didn't even flinch as salve was applied to his hands. He shifted his shoulders a little to get comfortable to the hard backed chair that held him. He caught the admonishing frown from the doctor and desisted from moving. Ford said cheerfully, "It doesn't even sting. Hey doc, I think you've got a nosebleed."

Dr Beckett hastily glanced at his reflection in a nearby bedpan. He turned his face back to his patient, scowling. Evidently, he was not pleased to be seen as gullible. Aiden grinned. "Don't look at me. I'm not the one who got a hit in the face."

"Fizzing circuits have a bite if you touch them, son," Carson shot back. "You might do well to remember that."

He briskly wrapped a bandage around Ford's fingers, then abandoned his patient, muttering under his breath about that "cheeky little bugger". Beckett shooed Ford out of the infirmary, saying darkly, "I don't suppose you've heard of the lad who cried wolf?"

"I'm going, I'm going!" promised the lieutenant as he hurried away.

Carson scowled even more deeply for a few moments. He managed to adopt a smile when he went over to check up on Zelenka, who had a slightly worse case and definitely deserved more sympathy than that Aiden Ford!

* * *

"You said water shorted some circuits…?" Elizabeth prompted her head scientist when he appeared.

The light in her office was back on but her laptop, which she'd had running off the city's power because of low battery, was throwing a tantrum and refusing to rescue the file she'd left open while she was doing yoga.

It took Rodney McKay barely two seconds to have his hands up in the air to accompany his speech. Elizabeth idly wondered if he would knock the empty mug off the end of her desk.

"It was most likely due to water seepage," he explained briskly. "The section still has some damp areas. It seems the Ancients thought it would be helpful for the safety switch to turn everything off. However, it probably wouldn't have happened when they had the shield so – "

"I thought we'd drained that area already," Elizabeth interjected.

Rodney 's eyes went skyward. "Oh yes, two weeks is sufficient to drain that much water."

She pursed her lips and crossed her arms. Seeing this, McKay held back the next retort which sprang to mind. There was a short awkward silence which was thankfully interrupted by Peter Grodin appearing at the door.

"You might want to see this," the English technician suggested.

Elizabeth wasted no time in following Grodin out to the control room. He brushed his fingers briefly on his laptop, causing the hanging screen on the wall to display a swirling of blue and green. Weir studied it for a moment then asked, "What is it?"

Grodin tapped a few more keys. One section of blue grew larger, encompassing the whole screen. "We discovered this shortly before the storm and it appears to be a series of high and low pressure systems. There was an increase in activity shortly before the storm and we've only been able in the last few days to decipher that it was a low pressure system building up beforehand. It's a weather forecaster."

"And is it going to be sunny or should I trade in my ration bars for an umbrella?" Rodney demanded.

Peter ignored the jibe and instead said to Weir, "In the last few hours, it seems that the ocean around the city has been experiencing current disturbances. It may explain why there was water seepage."

"Should I be worried?" Elizabeth asked.

Rodney, after examining the screen, answered, "No. The only thing that we should be concerned with is if anyone tries to take a surfboard on the waves. Speaking of which, when is Major Sheppard due back?"

* * *

"Welcome back, sir," Ford said as soon as the ramp of the Puddlejumper lowered.

John Sheppard exited, noticing his subordinate's bandaged hands. He cocked an eyebrow. "Hello, Ford. Did I miss something?"

"Apart from being electrocuted and Atlantis having its own weather channel, not really."

John didn't look too surprised at this report and he wasn't. He ran a quick hand over his hair to make sure that it wasn't drooping too much. He had an image to uphold after all. He said offhandedly, "I assume Beckett wouldn't let you out if you weren't alright."

Ford smiled somewhat shamefully and stuck his hands in his pockets. He admitted, "I wouldn't be so sure, sir. He chased me out."

"Now why would he do that?" John asked flippantly, a smirk painting his features.

The lieutenant shrugged in response, but he wasn't fooling anyone. He dropped beside Sheppard in a brisk walk away from the Puddlejumper hanger. After a few moments of silence, Ford caved in with his confession.

"I did mention the nose…"

John shook his head. He informed his team mate frankly, "Ford, consider yourself lucky that the good doctor doesn't know how to use a gun."

That thought alone caused Aiden to shudder involuntarily. While the occasion had called for it during Kolya's visit, seeing a P90 in Dr Beckett's hands was a creepy thought indeed.

"He's bad enough with needles," he said frankly.

Sheppard nodded in short agreement. He paused beside a window and took in the shining daylight cresting on each wave. He turned back to Ford and asked, "What's this about a weather channel?"

* * *

Rodney muttered as he tapped away at his laptop, "Czech had to go and get himself electrocuted, leaving me with his work as usual."

His fingers started whisking so furiously that he was soon almost bashing the keyboard. The computer complained after a few minutes, displaying an error message. Rodney sighed in exasperation and began batting the desk beside his laptop.

His eyes landed on Zelenka's desk and he added slyly to himself, "Huh, and he left his chocolate stash…"

McKay got to his feet and walked casually out from behind his desk, whistling. He meandered his way over to his colleague's empty desk. He slid into the chair and delicately pulled out a drawer. He smiled when the drawer exposed a mass of chocolate wrappers. He dipped a hand in and retrieved a solid bar of chocolate.

He drew in a breath and smiled coyly in relief. He took one edge of the wrapper and began tearing it. Dark luscious chocolate appeared.

"I see I need new hiding place," Zelenka said from behind him.

Rodney jumped out of the chair and quickly returned to his post. He pocketed the half open wrapper. The Czech shut the drawer, shaking his head. "You have no shame, McKay, or sense. The writing is not English. It could have anything. Lucky for you, I caught you in time. The filling is lemon."

Rodney's eyes widened. He grabbed the chocolate and threw it at his companion. Radek smirked and bit into the chocolate. He said in a muffled voice, "Of course, McKay, I do have normal chocolate. You may have some…"

"Really?" Rodney asked suspiciously.

"…if you beg."

"Hah. I knew there was a catch."

"You have run out of chocolate, no? I am offering to give you some. All you have to do is beg."

Rodney's lip twisted, a clear indication of what he thought of Zelenka's proposal. He shook his head in irritation and rebooted his laptop in a vain attempt to distract himself from the temptation of chocolate. He shifted uncomfortably. Finally, he angrily pushed aside his laptop, clasped his hands and burst out, "Please can I have some? Please?"

"What is this?" Radek blurted, suddenly gawking at his computer.

Rodney scowled. He moved behind the Czech to look over his shoulder. His scowl disappeared and chocolate was shunted down on his priority list. He observed in surprise, "That's the size of at least two killer whales."

"_Ano_," agreed Radek. "And it's right under the city."

* * *

TBC


	2. Big Blue Dot

Chapter 2 – Big Blue Dot

* * *

John Sheppard's head popped around the doorway, bearing a grin and looking a good deal more tan than a few days ago. Catching him in her peripheral vision, though valiantly keeping up the effort on her now sputtering laptop, Elizabeth lifted a hand in greeting, though her elbow never left the desk.

"How were the waves?" she asked.

Perching on the corner her desk, he cleared his throat. "The Athosians are all settled back in, thanks for asking. And if it's waves you're after, you're welcome to come along anytime you want, Elizabeth."

"I think I'll pass," she said, slapping a folder across the desk to get him to stand up. "Anyway, I'm glad you came. We've been having a few problems with the power because of some flooding."

Feigning an indignant open-mouthed expression, John slid the folder back to her but didn't sit down again. He opted to stand, one arm hanging by his side, the other gesturing back over his shoulder. "Yeah, Ford was telling me. Sounds like we won't get the city pumped before the next storm."

"It's beginning to look that way."

Elizabeth glanced up at him to smile wryly, and caught sight of two scientists scurrying across the walkway. She didn't need to see their faces to know who her latest visitors were – both were holding onto an electronic tablet and attempting to pull it away from the other, all the while arguing heatedly.

By the time they reached the door, Rodney had won the tablet.

He presented to the expedition leader, smiling smugly. "This is our problem."

"A big blue dot," Elizabeth mused, trying not to laugh at the contrast of apprehension on Zelenka's face, complete with twitching eyebrows.

"And this is a problem how?" John asked.

Radek dropped a hand on the tablet, explaining, "The creature is of a great mass, enough that it is disrupting the currents and forcing large waves over – "

"Yes, yes, I was about to say that," Rodney interrupted, shaking him off. "You will notice in the time lapse here that the water levels have been rising and falling – and rising still more – in the past forty-eight hours."

Elizabeth directed her next words at John. "You think you can handle going back to work so soon?"

Offering a sarcastic grimace, Sheppard clicked his fingers once towards the scientists. Rodney glowered at him, but Zelenka pried the tablet away to hand over. John stared at it and shrugged. "It's worth taking a look. Where's the big blue dot now?"

"West pier," Zelenka supplied.

* * *

It took only a few minutes for John Sheppard to realise he missed the peace and quiet of the mainland, where he was more likely to be followed by a bunch of insects than bored marines with their weapons half-cocked. Added insult to his senses was the abrupt gate-crash as performed by Sgt. Bates who somehow equated every threat as his personal business – not to forget that Rodney was constantly trying to shoulder past everyone to take the lead. The only two people he didn't secretly want vaporised right this moment were Ford and Teyla, who were wisely keeping their distance.

"Is this much manpower really necessary?" John asked broadly.

Predictably, it was Bates who marched up to match his step. "Until we know what threat this poses to Atlantis and its ongoing security, we need to take every precaution."

"And the concept of quietly observing never occurred to anyone here?"

_Now _there was silence. Or would could be termed "Rodney-silence" because of one scientist's background noise that everyone was far too used to. By the time they reached a pontoon on the West pier, it was a fair bet that every safety was off and so were various inhibitions, worn down by being uprooted by a storm the other week.

"Okay Rodney, where is this big blue dot?" John demanded, tucking his P90 under his arm.

The scientist looked over at him. "Ah, hmm. Judging by the water levels, somewhere around us – which proves that just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it can't drown you in your sleep."

Deciding not to touch that one, John gave the general order to stand ground. Impatient murmurs settled over his ears in a light breeze. Someone shuffled, another person coughed. Ford seemed to be wrestling with his pockets.

"Rodney, have you found anything?" John called.

A dismissive wave was his answer.

The Major repeated the question.

This time, something very big and very nearby roared.

A shimmering grey mass burst from the surface of the ocean, throwing torrents of water over the awaiting personnel. Blinking rapidly and spitting out salty gulps, John mentally cursed at the universe. This happened way too often to him. He rolled his eyes as Rodney ducked behind him.

His eyes then travelled up. And up. And up again.

Flickering scales descended with a bone-crunching smack as the tail – it had to be a tail – swung down onto the pontoon. Bits of grey and light blue panelling and plexiglass went sailing off into the wind like scraps of paper.

Then the head appeared. About the size of car, it bore dirty beige fangs from which a waterfall crashed down on top of them. The rat-tat-tat of concentrated weapons fire preceded minute punctures all down the solid pillar of a neck. Punctures which stayed for a moment before disappearing.

John opened his mouth to call for a cease fire but the wide tail flapped hard against the pontoon, sending him flying back into a forest of legs. His right foot bent beneath him and a hot stab of pain pinged down his heel. Cursing, he grabbed hold of the nearest body and pulled himself up.

Only to be sent flying back onto his arse, this time on the other side of the pontoon. He latched an arm around a metal support and clawed his way back onto the stable ground. Rodney's electronic tablet shot past the side of his face before beginning a short plunge into the water.

McKay himself was soon to follow, but John used his free fist to gather his team mate by the back of his shirt. The soaked material gave and tore, so he snatched more of it.

A sound that would have made thunder run very far away whipped vibrations through John's aching arms – and that horrible screeching roar – then all he could hear was the slapping of water against metal.

"McKay, can you stop squirming?" he commanded.

He heard a tumble of insults and what sounded like a profanity directed at Moby Dick shouted back up at him. Blowing out a terse breath, John counted to three and attempted to hoist Rodney back onto the flat surface. His shoulder protested vehemently and Rodney went swinging again.

"Is this a bad time to offer a hand?" asked a voice from above.

Peering up at Teyla, the Major wasn't sure if he'd ever been more relieved to see someone – well, in the circumstances of dripping onto a wildly struggling and swearing team mate who seemed to have lost his mind. Her hair was just as sodden as everything else, obscuring part of her eyes.

"Very funny, Teyla," John muttered. "A couple of hands would be nice."

He managed to get enough swing on Rodney that Teyla pulled the scientist up and had enough strength and dignity to wriggle up himself. He cast a quick eye over the pontoon and, by some miracle, counted the same number that had come along for the ride.

Shaking out the mop now coating his head, Sheppard snapped, "Rodney! That was a little more than a blue dot, don't you think?"

"The system is used for basic life signs only," Rodney pointed out sharply, "which you would know if you'd bothered to listen to one of my many briefings on the matter!"

John limped out across the walkway, wincing as he tried to keep his weight off the offending limb. He worked his way to the group of flattened marines who seemed to have taken most of the pounding. But it seemed best to stop for a bit and balance on one good foot and a tentative touch of the toes of the other.

"You need to go the infirmary," Teyla told him, drawing up beside him.

"I just twisted it."

"Perhaps we should call Doctor Beckett and let him be the judge of that."

Pulling a face, John tapped the water-slicked headset nestled in his ear and hoped it would work. "Beckett. We have men down, requesting medical assistance."

The radio spat static into his ear but over the hissing and crackling he made out the distinct Scottish lilt that he'd come to expect whenever something went belly up on a mission.

"How serious is the situation?" asked Beckett.

"A few aren't going to be moving any time soon," John answered.

Several sizable waves washed up against the pontoon. Momentarily unbalanced, John listed to one side and would have fallen over onto his already complaining shoulder had Teyla not taken his arm and put it over her shoulders.

A very long pause filled with crackling, then – "And you're sure the beast is gone?"

Covering the mouthpiece with his hand, John called out, "Rodney, it _is _off the radar right?"

Rodney suddenly looked very busy as he muttered into his own earpiece, presumably consulting Zelenka for the matter. By the creases deepening on his forehead and the constant rolling of his eyes, John took this as a bad sign.

"It's..." He glanced sidewards at Teyla who raised an eyebrow. "It's safe for the moment."

"I'll decide what's bloody safe. We're on our way. Beckett out."

John sneezed and careened against Teyla. He sighed. "Okay, I get the hint. I will have it looked at, but I'd rather talk to my men without...you know."

"Your wounded pride is safe," Teyla teased, setting him straight before withdrawing.

Slowly shuffling down through the marines, John stopped when he came to Ford, who was holding something shiny and pink. Sheppard indicated the device.

"Waterproof camera, my cousin gave it to me last birthday," the Lieutenant explained, skimming the pictures.

"Ford, do I want to know why you decided to bring that down here?"

"Join the military, see the universe?" Ford grinned. "It wouldn't be an adventure without it. And besides, photos or it never happened."

Something akin to bright angry red fireworks started to explode behind John's forehead. Rubbing his temples, he said, "It was a rhetorical question."

"Yes, sir. Taking valuable pics up to the labs for the geeks to analyse."

The salute that Ford offered looked a bit casual, coupled with an infuriatingly positive expression and also happened to flick water in John's direction. The Major decided to let it slide, on account of there being other things to worry about. Aiden started back towards the main spire.

"And Ford – " The Lieutenant stopped and turned around. John conceded, "Good thinking."

* * *

It didn't take long for teams decked out in the customary medical garb to turn up and start wheeling people off. The sky decided to look almost black and dropped a few splatters of water but didn't do much more than threaten. Waving everyone off, John checked in on the last soldier whose eyes were open but staring at nothing.

"Careful now, keep him steady," Beckett ordered those shifting the soldier onto a stretcher. "Okay, take him to the infirmary. I'll be there momentarily."

The Chief Medical Officer stood up, shaking out his pants which were soaked from the bottom up to his knees. He tapped the stretcher as a signal and it was swiftly jogged away. With everyone else either in a shower or incapacitated, this left one thing, and John hoped it wasn't what he suspected.

Carson began his attack. "Teyla tells me you took quite a fall."

"I'm fine," John defended. "Nothing Tylenol can't get rid of for a bit."

This answer earned him the reproving stare which morphed into an extremely scary expression as Dr Beckett advanced on him. John had seen bigger doctors in his life but the CMO was a force to be reckoned with. After a trying moment or two, John managed to stand up straight, but in a relaxed pose with his hands hooked onto his belt.

"If I'm not mistaken, and I rarely am, you're favouring the right leg," Carson stated firmly.

A taut muscle twitched somewhere in John's ankle and he bit hard on his lip. "I don't have time for this, Beckett, and if you think I'm going to spend the next week sitting – "

The pontoon shook violently and a fresh squeal tore through the air before settling into a deep roar, which made the surface beneath their feet buck even more. Without a helpful and understanding team mate nearby, John Sheppard ended up on his already dodgy shoulder with his legs scissoring in the air. He reached out for his P90 – for whatever use it could be – but his fingers slipped and the weapon went clattering off towards Beckett who was back on his knees ten metres away.

"Good Lord, what is it?" Carson exclaimed.

The broad head struck down at them, chiselled fangs stabbing towards its target...which, conveniently, was not the good doctor but John once again who really had enough of this.

"Shoot it!" he shouted over at the CMO.

Beckett's eyes widened at him.

John slapped the ground with his hand. "Pick up the damn thing and shoot!"

Watching Carson gingerly pick up the gun with no more than three fingers and then drop it, John inwardly cursed and rolled hard down the pontoon towards him. He scooped up the P90 and aimed. Waiting just a moment for the slimy grey missile to streak for them, he sent a burst right down its gullet.

A gush of foul air smothered them as the sea monster howled before it sloshed back into the ocean.

"I'll have that Tylenol now," Major Sheppard said.

* * *

TBC


	3. Ask Jeeves

Chapter 3 – Ask Jeeves

* * *

"What's the prognosis?" John asked down his leg.

Pulling a bandage tight around his ankle was Dr Beckett, who glanced across at him with an exasperated but sympathetic smile. "You've sprained your ankle."

"Okay, so strap it up, dose me up and I'm out of here."

"It's not that simple, Major. You've got a sprain in the first degree but if you exacerbate the injury, it could – will – become more severe. That will certainly keep you out of duty for several weeks."

John planned several futile retorts but fortunately did not have to use them, as Rodney entered the infirmary, bouncing a fresh tablet in his hands. He set it next to a screen near a scanning device, fiddled for a bit and stepped back. Blue lines sketched out a rounded shape with a long neck, a thick tail and four flipper appendages. It looked small and unimportant, but definitely something to worry about if the measurements running down the side of the screen were correct.

Elizabeth was only a few seconds behind Rodney, palms over her elbows as she viewed the schematic. She tossed a quick nod to John. "Carson told me that under no circumstances was I to let you walk all the way to my office, even on crutches."

"I can get around pretty quick still, you just watch," John said, patting the crutches lying next to him. He squinted at the screen. "Beckett, don't you think that looks a lot like the Loch Ness monster?"

"I wouldn't know, Major," Carson replied, pulling especially hard on the bandage. "It's a bit hard to make a comparison to a creature no one has seen."

"Or even proven to exist," Rodney scoffed.

Everyone looked hard at the screen for a moment. Elizabeth darted a quick searching look between her three department heads, exhaled loudly and said, "Well, I don't think many people on Earth can make a personal comparison between Johnny Depp and a Wraith, but that doesn't mean they don't exist."

"Don't you think Stargate Command would know if there was an alien living in Loch Ness?" Rodney demanded.

Carson pinned the bandage on John's ankle and produced some tape that shrieked as it was prised away from the roll. He applied a couple of strips as he replied, "I suppose so, Rodney. But it's not going to throw up two fingers and declare that it comes in peace, now is it?"

John shot him a look. "Whose side are you on anyway?"

Elizabeth closed her eyes and shook her head.

Minute beeps followed Rodney's fingers tapping over the electronic table and blocky Ancient text wiped over the diagram of the creature. "Alright, here we are. The Ancient Database."

"Does it have Google?" John asked with a grin.

"No, more like an archaic and cranky version of Ask Jeeves," Rodney said to this. "You know, the one with the really unhelpful butler guy? Anyway, the point is I asked and I received."

Silence interspersed with more beeping followed. Finally, Elizabeth prompted, "And what do you have to show us?"

"It's not exactly pronounceable, but it's in the database. Herbivore, harmless. But the interesting thing is, planet-wide sweeps with the sensors have only revealed one or none existing on the planet at any given time over several millennia."

"That's impossible," Carson said. "Isn't it? Unless the species is asexual, of course."

Rodney shook a finger at him. "That's what I thought. Then I saw this."

What appeared to be a squiggly spider web encased the creature, forming a circular patch of azure blue on the screen. Several blank stares were openly exchanged among the group before Rodney roll his eyes and explained bluntly, "It's wormhole theory."

"Stargates, right," John acknowledged.

"Not in this case. What we're looking at is a genetic mutation which allows a carbon-based life form to spontaneously create a stable wormhole around themselves."

Elizabeth scanned the Ancient text top to bottom, resting her lips against her knuckles. She nodded to herself. "But what does that mean for us?"

"Could we harness this stable wormhole for our own use?" John asked, swinging his legs off the bed too fast and twitching as blood rushed back down to his ankle.

"Does that mean it could be the Loch Ness monster, just that it spends most of its time on this planet?" was Carson's contribution.

Glaring at all of them as though they'd all started doing the chicken dance nude, Rodney muttered, "It...wouldn't be outside the realm of...pure imagination."

"Come on, Rodney, it's the best explanation you've got for us," Sheppard told him.

"Fine, let's all believe the crazy story about a creature that doesn't even exist on our own planet, let alone anywhere in another galaxy! When you want to stop blaming our lack of ZedPM on Big Foot, I'll be slightly more inclined to answer your questions."

John eased back against the pillow, levering his foot back onto the bed. He smirked at Rodney. "Next question is – how do we make sure it doesn't eat us?"

* * *

Naturally, when someone called Doctor Beckett to the armoury, he suspected that yet another misfire or supposed accident had occurred. Despite lacking the time for a shower after the splash he endured on the West pier, he was mostly dry and wanted any other medical emergency than one pertaining to the Loch Ness monster.

Carson entered the armoury at a dead run, lab coat flapping out behind him. He skidded to a stop and took in the scene. The room was empty but for a very healthy Teyla Emmagan, who looked none the worse for the morning's events. At this point, Carson looked around helplessly, tried to find some particular reason for being there but drew a blank.

"Doctor Weir believes that it would be best for all teams patrolling the city to be accompanied by a member of your department," Teyla explained. "And I agree."

"What's this got to do with me?" Carson asked guardedly.

The Athosian selected a hand gun from the arsenal and aimed it down the gallery at the man-shaped outline printed out on paper. She nodded and let it drop to her side, before turning and saying, "Major Sheppard expressed concern over your ability to handle yourself in such a situation. He ordered me to arm you."

"What's the use, Teyla? It's all well enough to carry one around during a crisis, but I can't fire a weapon to save my life."

"Then what if it was to save someone else's life?" Teyla probed.

Carson glanced sharply at her. His shoulders lumped as he realised she'd got him there. Reluctantly, he shed his lab coat and joined her at the firing range. "Fine. Give it to me."

"Do you know how to prepare the weapon?"

Skirting his eyes away from the Beretta even as he took it from her, he chuckled unconvincingly. "I know enough to point the barrel away from myself."

"A good start," Teyla assured. She settled her fingers over his and guided them on the weapon. "Safety – off."

Even though it was the barest of clicks, Carson said nervously, "That doesn't sound very safe."

"You then cock the weapon like this."

"Seems easy enough," he said.

The CMO extricated his hand from Teyla's firm grip and lined it up towards the far end of the wall. Squinting down at the target, he sighed and tightened his grip.

"Never close an eye when you aim with this type of weapon," Teyla warned. "You lose half your vision. Which is your dominant eye?"

"My right."

"Sight with that eye. Don't rush, but keep it steady. And – squeeze."

There was a delay of several seconds as Beckett kept both eyes on the silhouette he was staring down at, and then he fired one shot. The ensuing bang was both quieter and a good deal noisier than he expected and Carson dropped the Beretta.

"Oh God," he murmured. "Did I hit him?"

Offering the paper target a apologetic smile and finding it unmarked, Beckett turned back to Teyla, who'd already picked up the gun. She passed it back to him.

"Again," she ordered.

Three more attempts later and the weapon didn't leap out of Beckett's hands, though he'd only managed to notch a hole in the paper just off the shoulder of the target. This was enough for the doctor's nerves, which thankfully Teyla understood and directed him more towards the door.

She selected a holster and BDU vest, adjusted the straps and stuck them on her mildly protesting subject. After she was satisfied with the fit, Teyla told him, "And you repeat the process until the magazine is empty."

"Then what?"

"You hope that was enough to get the sucker," Aiden Ford said as he entered. "If not, reload."

Carson grimaced. "Comforting."

The Lieutenant snatched the weapon off him, sighted it briefly and flipped it as he passed it over. "Safety off, hammer down, one in the chamber. That's how we do it."

"I think I'll be keeping the safety on, for the most part."

"What brings you here, Lieutenant?" Teyla asked.

"I'm getting a harpoon – pretty sure I saw some down here," Ford replied, casing out the armoury before finding his goal. He flicked his fingers down the weapon, rubbed over a dirty spot and hoisted it. "Sheppard says you're in charge of our little party."

"I see. Did he say where he wanted us to be?"

"South pier, I think."

"You think," Teyla repeated, armed with a stern look.

"Okay, okay, I'll check."

He ducked behind a trolley of plastic mannequins and started murmuring into his radio. Carson shifted uncomfortably in his new gear until he too earned himself a look. Without protest, he put the safety on and slipped the gun into the holster.

"Are you ready?" was Teyla's quiet challenge.

Beckett looked down at himself and tried not to laugh nervously. The black BDU looked so out of place on his off-white shirt. After a moment, he lifted his eyes to hers and nodded.

"It's still bloody insanity," he said, to make sure she knew.

Teyla's lips formed what could have been a smile. "Did I ever say it was not?"

* * *

AN: My beta reader actually thought I was referencing _Pocahontas _in this chapter, but I was actually inspired by a silly 80s B-grade flick. Um. Yes. However you want to look at it. :D


	4. Bloody Insanity

Chapter 4 – Bloody Insanity

* * *

The assurances of the science department that the power fluctuations had been dealt with did nothing to change the fact that they had swept it under a fairly wet and squelchy mat. While the main spire of Atlantis was functioning perfectly – or as near to as it could without three ZPMs and a good long holiday – the South pier remained darker than even the clouds descending upon the city.

"Hey, McKay," Aiden chortled into his radio. "What's the forecast on the weather channel?"

"Let me see. Cloudy with a chance of complete imbeciles falling overboard."

"You volunteering?"

Teyla reached over and turned the radio off. Hovering it front of Ford's face, she requested, "Could you please radio in and give the Major our position?"

"He knows where we are."

"Then I will say this – if you use the radio to taunt Dr McKay again, I will challenge you to a sparring session. One which Major Sheppard will not let you refuse."

"You'd better do as she says, lad," Carson advised.

Ford turned away to comply and then they were off again, treading around puddles and the odd pile of...something. When the shadows started to drown them, Teyla activated the light on her P90 and they followed the thin stream of light further down the corridor. The main exit onto the exposed part of the pier was jammed with only an inch-sized gap running down the side.

"I suppose one of you is going to offer a brilliant plan around this one," Carson said.

Aiden hung the harpoon over his shoulder as he glanced back through the dim corridor. "Actually, I was thinking of just shooting it open. But the Ancients kind of built this stuff to last."

"Violence never solved anything, son."

"I was joking."

"Of course you were."

"Lieutenant," Teyla said sharply. "Were you not part of the first scouting party assigned to this area of the pier?"

Ford considered this for a moment, squinting from side to side. Well, it looked a little familiar but most of Atlantis seemed engineered towards the boring end of the design spectrum. Then again, Sheppard had put Teyla in charge and she had two very solid wooden sticks stashed in her quarters.

"Yeah, like three months ago," he responded.

Teyla lowered her P90, directing the beam down his shoes. He looked down involuntarily, then back up again as the Athosian rested one arm over the top of the weapon. "Is there another convenient path we can take?"

The safest answer was a hurried, decisive nod. Never mind that it wasn't entirely truthful, but no one needed to know that. Ford nodded as planned. Dr Beckett raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh I've seen that look before."

"When?" Aiden challenged.

"Now Lieutenant, I'm not sure you'd want to upset me because I'll make a wee electric shock seem like paradise."

Teyla Emmagan directed her gaze at the ceiling. Sometimes it was hard to believe that these humans were in part descended from the ancestors. Or perhaps it was just a problem among men who seemed to have missed the important rite of passage from adolescence. A common affliction across many different cultures on many different planets.

Fastening her P90 back onto her gear, she extended both hands and inserted herself between the pair of them, pushing them out of her way. Teyla took the gun back into her hands and fired a quick burst at the control panel, before peppering some across the door.

Sparks spat through the shadows surrounding them, settling down just as the door made a protest that sounded between the whine of a dying animal and the growl of the predator responsible. Teyla waited until there was silence, then slipped her fingers through the gap, levering herself off the part of the wall that curved around into the door. It gave by a few inches.

"I need some assistance," she instructed calmly.

Ford stared at her. Carson hurried forward and forced his weight against the door, wincing as his elbowed Teyla in the face. Her expression remained carefully neutral but it was hard to feel safe with her close by. After a minute or so, the door grumbled and retracted back into the other side.

"Nice work, doc," Aiden noted.

"Aye, no thanks to you. Luckily, I've wrestled far worse than a terrifying sliding door."

Teyla closed her eyes and went through the recipe for tuttleroot soup in her head. A pinch of the ground leaves from the plant itself to flavour, avoid being generous with the root for the it is tuttleroot soup in name only...

"If we are done storing this event for further discussion," she said, "I think it would be to our advantage to complete the task that Major Shepppard has given us."

Her two charges followed dutifully out onto the narrow walkway that led out onto the pier. Spray blew up in their faces, the wind biting just as much as the salty water. Carson shivered under his thin shirt and regretted not asking to go find his jacket before he was roped into this insane adventure. A creature capable of swallowing a car full of loud relatives didn't sound like something that wanted to pour a cup of tea and discuss the complexities of biologically induced wormholes.

Dr Beckett tried to be optimistic about life in general, but if it involved Stargates or errant Loch Ness Monsters, it was bloody insanity.

* * *

Slung across one of the consoles in the control room, his injured leg propped up behind someone's laptop, John Sheppard watched the scientists and other assorted geeks flounder around with apparently no goal whatsoever. That couldn't exactly be said for Rodney, who had moved his chair into the middle of the floor, laptop balanced on his knees while he typed. And there was Dr Zelenka skirting between his boss and other computers arrayed around the room like large square Christmas lights.

"Does anyone actually know what's going on?" John asked.

Elizabeth leaned back on the console beside him, resting her hands on her thighs. She shook her head. "I've learnt that if I want something done, I ask for it – but if I ask for an explanation, I'm a little unqualified to understand it."

"Aren't you a bit high up the food chain for blind faith, Elizabeth?"

"I prefer to think of it as blind hope," Weir said, lips curling into a smile. "Rodney, have the sensors picked up anything?"

The head scientist of the expedition looked up and around until he located the source of irritation. He dropped lower into his keyboard. "For that to actually happen, our little friend would have to be somewhere nearby, but as it's not turning up on any sweeps right this minute, it's safe to assume it's biding its time. I think we can all agree that it would be better if the sensors didn't pick up anything."

Sheppard covered what could have been a smile or a yawn. Elizabeth wasn't sure if he was annoyed or had come to find amusement in watching his team mate work. There were stranger friendships, she supposed, but none she could think of at that moment.

The Major inspected the wrappings around his ankle, pulling at the tape until it gave with a very distinct ripping noise. John slapped his hand over the tear and casually rested his shoulders back against the plexiglass before asking seriously, "Do you think it is the Loch Ness Monster?"

"After what we've seen...?" Elizabeth mused. "They say every story has an element of truth to it."

"They've probably got a point, but there's such a thing as superstition. That gets people killed at the front line."

Elizabeth crossed her arms and tipped her chin forward, frowning. "I don't doubt that. But we're going to start losing people here unless we change our approach. Just what has fire power accomplished for us?"

"It has a weakness," John said confidently. "I nearly had it, Elizabeth. If it wasn't for the doctor's orders, I'd be out there."

His headset warbled into his ear, right on cue. Teyla's voice informed him, "Major Sheppard, we are in position."

"About time," Major Sheppard muttered, sliding off the console to stand on his good leg.

He'd barely started to hobble off in the direction of Rodney to get any new information he could pass on to the other half of their team when Zelenka spun out in front of him. Granted, the Czech wasn't a bad wheely chair pilot, but he'd chosen the wrong time to put the spokes of the chair right underneath John's only good foot. He hopped, cursed and slapped the side of his head to activate the headset. "Okay, let me know if you see something even a little out of the ordinary. How's our good doctor doing?"

"I do not think that Lt. Ford will be very welcome in the infirmary."

"Sorry I'm not there, Teyla. Just...do what you can. Keep me posted."

That settled, John barked at everyone to keep out of his way and finally made it to Rodney's epicentre.

"Tell me you have something," Sheppard commanded.

Rodney waved him off, scowling into his screen. Watching this, Elizabeth shook her head and nicked her fingers over her own headset. "Teyla, come in."

"Doctor Weir," Teyla returned from the other end.

"I understand that Major Sheppard would prefer you to meet this conflict with force, but should any situation arise that can be resolved in a less volatile way..."

"Are you suggesting I open negotiations with the creature?"

Elizabeth had to quickly cut down on her laugh. "I'll try anything at this point."

* * *

Three now well-soaked and well-frustrated residents of Atlantis stood and waited on the South pier for something to happen. They didn't have to wait too long.

Teyla's radio squealed, a mixture of white noise and the shouted reports flying in from another pier. And then a loud crack filled the air, coming not from the minute speaker of technology, but seemingly from every point on the smudged horizon. A low hum multiplied into a roar, drowning out any orders or queries that either of the three could throw at each other.

Then – nothing but a fevered crashing of the waves. A drop of rain wended its way down from the dirty clouds until it plopped neatly down onto the brim of Lt. Ford's cap. Carson jumped as another few sprinkled across his shoulders.

"Expect a little shower," warned Rodney on the radio this time. "I'd have sent out umbrellas and ponchos, but I think your problems are a little more immediate than that."

John's voice crackled immediately thereafter. "He means, expect a big blue dot bearing down on your position. Aim for the mouth if you can."

Ignoring the oncoming curtain of rain, Aiden whipped out the harpoon and hunched into an alert position before skimming down the pier. Teyla tucked her P90 closer to her body, carefully placing her feet as she followed after her team mate. Gesturing back over at Carson, she made sure he was only two or so metres behind in her advance. Pinpoints of cold water began to fall briskly from the sky, pinging off the plexiglass and metal of Atlantis.

Two steps across the slippery pier and Dr Beckett lunged onto a railing as the surface beneath them vibrated and creaked. His fingers slipped over the wet metal and he crashed down hard on his stomach, arms bent awkwardly beneath him. Teyla scooped up the Beretta that had flung away from him and grabbed the CMO by his shoulder, forcing his shaking hands around the weapon.

The pier inexplicably bounced. Carson ended up on his knees, but this time the gun stayed fast in position. He propped up one leg and leapt to his feet, extending his arms as far as they would go and swinging the Beretta side to side through the downpour.

Teyla dropped her hand over his wrist to steady him and met his eyes with hers. After a moment, they both hurried down the pier side by side. They didn't make it half way down before Aiden Ford came running back at them. He pointed wildly off to the water side closest to them.

Immediately freezing her steps, Teyla threw out an arm to halt the doctor as well. She turned and took a step back towards the centre of the pier.

It watched them.

Carson tilted his head back and took in the arch of the neck that thickened into the large head now bobbing way too close, jaws extended as air whistled out of its open mouth, punctuated by the fangs peeking out with extreme interest.

"Oh crap," he murmured and retreated to Teyla's position.

"I'll get it!" shouted Ford, appearing through the thick sheets of rain.

He slowed, aimed the harpoon high and let it loose. Brown rope uncoiled to fling out in a line that tightened as the projectile found purchase in the beast's mouth, poking out the other side of its hide. The ensuing roar stank of rotting fish and all sorts of other delightful things that one should never experience in one or two lifetimes.

Teyla shot down the even more exposed gullet, unflinchingly continuing even as the head began to fall towards her. Meeting it with a polite stare, she curled back her lip and emptied the clip. Meanwhile, Carson decided that eating the floor was a good idea.

Ford pulled hard on the harpoon but short of being dragged back towards the thing he really would rather avoid, this was turning out to be a little impossible. He wrapped an arm around the nearest handhold (a bar jutting out from the side of the ground that was totally ugly but definitely worth it) and tried to jam the weapon against it. The harpoon screeched along the surface before snapping off through the air, smacking into the fleshy cavern of the creature's mouth.

It turned its massive head and howled hot air over him. Ford held his breath.

Teyla flicked another clip into her P90 and restarted her attack. The head reared back as though in defeat, but the tail whisked around to pummel into the side of the pier. Losing her footing, the Athosian rolled until she reached Aiden, grabbing hold of his ankles.

"I suppose you're going to tell me that you got it?" Teyla asked.

"It's just going to take a little time is all – hey Beckett! Your turn!" Ford paused to cough nastily against the ground. "Yuck. Should I call back-up?"

"I do not think any of this has gone unnoticed."

A magnified wave broke over the pontoon, swamping them in water and a greenish haze that smelt even worse than the breath. Teyla dug in harder to her team mate as another few waves rolled over them...and then let go when nothing followed for a minute. Once the water had receded and the rain had lessened to a manageable patter, she noticed that her P90 was missing.

"Doctor Beckett?" she called over. "Are you alright?"

"Just peachy, thanks!"

Teyla pressed her lips together. She consulted her radio, which hadn't fared very well in the onslaught. Aiden gave her his, which he'd decided to stick into a zip-lock bag for this particular occasion. Nodding at him in thanks, Teyla spoke into it, "Major Sheppard. We lost sight of it."

"Yeah that's not all we lost," Ford said dryly, looking down at his empty hands.

Teyla cupped a handful of the green leftovers of their encounter, passing her nose over it until her eyes watered. Holding her palm up to the sky, the let the slow drips of rain rinse it from her fingers. After a moment, she nodded. "We injured it. I believe we angered it enough to return."

Several loud pops and an ensuing crack coursed underneath them and the area all around them shook and buckled.

"You had to say it!" spat the Lieutenant.

Teyla was already rectifying her previous statement over the radio.

* * *

AN: One more chapter to go! XD


	5. We Come in Peace

Chapter 5 – We Come in Peace

* * *

The aquatic nightmare was back in position, glaring at them through liquid red eyes. Ford forced his gulp down his throat and did his best not to whimper. This was getting very bad. No sign of the harpoon at all. The only thing between them and it...was Atlantis' Chief Medical Officer, standing up and patting down the goosebumps on his arms. Carson turned, blanched and yet somehow his weapon was lined up right down the dark hole of a quivering throat.

Aiden decided to supply him with some advice. "SHOOT!"

The Beretta hit the deck with a very unmistakeable clatter.

Carson held up his hands, palms out and did nothing. The creature's head stayed still, through its double eyelids continued to blink on and off intermittently. Ford started to rise but Teyla leant over the back of his legs, preventing him from getting very far.

"It would be in your best interests to stay down," the Athosian said in his ear. "I want to see if this can be resolved differently."

"We pissed it off, Teyla! And it's not likely to start talking is it? Unless we've got some sort of universal translator, which I'm pretty sure we don't because it's the wrong century for that."

Teyla frowned for a moment then dismissed it off as another strange Earth reference she didn't understand. "There are many things neither of us can expect in this situation, but consider that weapons have done very little in our favour. Let us wait a moment."

The clatter of approaching marines caught her attention and she quickly sat up to look around, making sure the creature had not reacted yet. Back-up was usually a good thing, especially in a Wraith ambush, but it would only serve to send more people to the infirmary and give others a lingering cold for a few weeks.

"Tell them to hold their position," Teyla cautioned into the radio.

Sheppard's query hissed in reply. "Are you sure, Teyla?"

"Major Sheppard, I believe you put me in charge of this situation. I am suggesting that we wait."

"You've got a minute. Make it count."

Carson Beckett was not having a fantastic day. He thought he could trace it to the moment he'd jolted awake at four in the morning, staring up at the ceiling and realising that he'd set his alarm too early. Then there was that business with Zelenka and Ford. Now this.

He was standing eyeball to fang with a glistening grey behemoth. Puffs of hot air touched his palms and Carson bent his fingers slightly, but didn't lower his hands.

"Oh, uh, hullo," he ventured.

The monster's tail thrashed but its head remained motionless. Simultaneously trying to swallow and hold his breath, Carson looked through his trembling fingers at the beast.

"I suppose...you're wondering what all this fuss is about," he continued nervously. "Frankly, I'd rather be in bed right about now, but for all this nonsense. I don't want to shoot you – I'm not sure I can."

Metal creaked and groaned as the large head dipped, resting on the pier. It whuffed indifferently in his face before rolling out an snot-coloured tongue that slapped over the surface, hosing a mixture of cold sea water and potent slime over the doctor. Carson gnawed on his tongue to keep from sneezing. He figured blowing all that back over the creature probably wasn't a good idea.

Instead, he risked lowering his hands. "And, well, it's not as if you can really understand me, is it? But you should go. Go before they kill you. Not that they could. Go and there's no need for any of this."

It leaned forward slowly and its tongue flicked out, lapping over Carson's hair – much to his dismay. Long tendrils of slime dropped over the doctor's eyes. He grimaced.

"Go, Nessie," he murmured.

Fangs snapped and the tongue retracted, followed by a low howl that flooded vibrations from the floor of the pier up through Beckett's spine. Spinning, he saw a cluster of marines bearing down on him, firearms trained over his head.

"Don't!" Carson shouted, throwing his arms out in front of the creature. "Let it go!"

The Loch Ness Monster sloshed back into the ocean, throwing up arcs of white-frayed water. A bright blue circle exploded into being just beneath the simmering sea. Carson ran forward and leaned over the edge, squinting down, seeing nothing but the event horizon swirling below. No vague shapes or even indistinct shadows. A few seconds later, the water became dark once more.

"Dude, you stink," Aiden Ford remarked, walking to stand beside him. "Didn't anyone tell you not to talk to strangers?"

"Yes thank you, Lieutenant," Carson fired back. "That's exactly what I needed to hear. No gratitude for my work! What did I expect?"

Ford sniggered and patted him on the shoulder. "Come on, doc. Let's get you cleaned up."

* * *

"It's gone for now," Rodney announced into the still tension of the control room.

Sheppard leaned onto the bank of Rodney's chair and stared down at the screen. "And you're sure? This isn't going to be one of those nasty little surprises we can't stop getting?"

The scientist wiggled in his chair to throw off his team mate and swiped his finger over the touch pad of the laptop. Everyone's eyes followed the movement closely until Rodney abruptly snapped the laptop shut. He reiterated, "I'm not finding anything on the sensors. If you subscribe to the ludicrous Loch Ness theory, then I'd say we're out of trouble. But in my opinion, it's not far away and it is better to be prepared the next time it tries to drown us…!"

"All we needed was to do was talk to it?" Elizabeth mused over the top of him.

Rodney's face twisted. "Oh yes. Right. Like it understood anything Carson was telling it."

"And how would you do it, McKay?" John wanted to know. "Nothing says 'we come in peace' like a P90?"

"Look who's talking!" Rodney shot.

* * *

Some days later, there were sufficiently less bedraggled patients needing attention, though a few were on restrictive duties for an extra week or so. John Sheppard nodded to those still waylaid from his own bed, which he didn't need but decided that the plastic chairs were too uncomfortable to use.

The Chief Medical Officer walked briskly over and ducked down a bit to swipe his hands over John's limb. He asked, "How's the ankle, Major?"

"Hasn't twinged in a couple of days, so I figure I'm in the clear."

John waggled his foot for emphasis.

"Aye, only you could be so lucky," Carson allowed darkly. "Well then, I see no other reason for your shadow to darken the infirmary. Until another time, I suppose."

Leaping off the bed and landing solidly on both feet, Sheppard chortled, "Don't sound so happy there. I could send Ford down to check up on you."

"You wouldn't. Besides, the Lieutenant has been kind enough to give me a wide berth. Not to mention the last of his coffee stash. Any conflict between us has settled for the moment."

Conceding that he'd lost this particular weapon, John shrugged. He patted the doctor on the arm on his way past, slowed and turned back. "Glad to hear it. Ford's not a bad kid."

"When he is not following the lead of his superior, I gather."

"Would I do that?"

"Major, I can get a gun and I'd know how to use it," Carson told him firmly.

John grinned. "Atta boy, Beckett."

* * *

"Alright, pay up."

Dr Radek Zelenka smoothed a sheet of paper over his desk at an unworried pace. He took his time in formulating his words. "Rodney, there you are. We've had some reports from Doctor Gaul about – "

Advancing menacingly on his colleague, Rodney stopped on the other side of the desk. He crossed his arms and gave Zelenka his best disapproving smirk. The Czech scientist touched two fingers to the side of his glasses, shifting them up his nose. Rodney tilted his head to the side and scowled. "You told me if I begged you'd give me some lemon-free chocolate. After the indignity of begging to an amateur like you, I believe I am entitled to all of it. I shouldn't have to ask."

"Oh. That." Zelenka snorted. "McKay, I regret I have given it away while you were busy with the Loch Ness Monster."

"To who?!"

"Major Sheppard sustained an injury. I thought he was in more need of it."

"This…" Rodney paused. "This isn't over, Zelenka."

"Tell me something I do not know. But Rodney, can we forget this for just a few moments please…?"

* * *

Elizabeth tapped her knees, trying to ignore the ache pulling along her calves from sitting cross-legged for so long. After casting a rueful look to the woman beside her, Elizabeth focused her gaze on the candle three metres from her ankles. The tiny flame lengthened in the silence, tall and straight. Unwavering. The leader of Atlantis wished she could make herself like that.

"You are uncomfortable," Teyla noted without opening her eyes.

Weir released a breath, slumping slightly. Even though the Athosian's quarters were by no means cramped, claustrophobia had settled over her shoulders. "Is it that obvious?"

"To the untrained eye, perhaps not. There are many distractions in our position."

"At least with yoga I'm not at a complete standstill," Elizabeth pointed out. "Thank you for the lesson, but I think I'll stick to that from now on."

Teyla's eyes slipped open and she stretched her arms in front of her, before settling them across her lap, palms upward. She acknowledged, "I understand. Sometimes even this form of meditation can erode my patience. Are there any particular distractions that are bothering you?"

The discarded headset on the floor whined. Elizabeth scooped it up.

"Yes, Rodney," she said without pause.

"Where are you, no one's been able to contact you for an hour - that's not the point. I've discovered…" A different voice twittered in the background and McKay snapped, "Listen, credit goes to the entire department – fine, fine. If it means that much to you – _Dr Gaul_ has discovered an Ancient satellite."

Elizabeth uncrossed her legs and drew her knees up, while resting the headset against her chin. Taking a moment, she contemplated the candle. The light swerved and flickered. She sighed. "This concerns us how?"

"What – are you kidding?" Rodney demanded. "A piece of sophisticated technology floating in space ready for the taking and you want to ask questions like that?"

"Rodney...if it means that much to you, of course you can go check it out."

Teyla rose from her position, leaning over to blow out a few candles. Elizabeth quickly licked her thumb and forefinger before closing them over the flame in front of her. It dissolved with a muted hiss. Both women stood by the door, surveying the lazy puffing of the candles as they smoked out.

"I'm the leader of this expedition," Elizabeth told her companion. "I can't allow myself to be distracted."

"I will also guard myself from such distractions," Teyla said with a knowing smile.

Elizabeth arched an eyebrow in response.

* * *

AN: woo! finished at last. This was a fic that I started penning in early 2006 in response to a challenge/prompt (Weir doing yoga in her office, Beckett learning to use a gun) on a website that is now defunct. So when I say "at last"... it's a real relief. Hope you all enjoyed. :)

Very Belated Disclaimer: Anything you recognise isn't mine, including the _Trek _reference in this chapter. I should again mention_ Sploosh, _the 1998 short film starring Paul McGillion as a Scotsman convinced he's seen the Loch Ness Monster. Those 3 minutes inspired this fic.


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